


Intentional Red

by Rave



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-26
Updated: 2012-04-26
Packaged: 2017-11-04 08:51:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rave/pseuds/Rave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Xabi is class," Stevie says. "A master class, on Acting."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Intentional Red

**Author's Note:**

> [ This](http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2010/nov/24/real-madrid-deliberate-red-cards)
> 
> has got to be one of the most hilariously blatant "oops I got carded" dances in the history of time. I mean, REALLY. Whatever, Stevie would totally call him and LOL AT HIM FOREVER. That is all this is.

"You looked like _such_ a knob," Stevie said, gleefully. "Traditional Basque folk-dance, was it?"

"Shut up," Xabi said. He let out a little huff of air. "Really, shut up. Do you think I liked to do it?"

"Xabi is Class," Stevie said. "A master class, on acting."

"I _had_ to, cabrón," Xabi said, his voice gratifyingly high with indignation. "Have you ever seen Jose Mourinho when you don't do as he says?" There was a clatter that sounded like a plate falling into the sink: when Xabi was angry, he tended to aggressively clean things. Stevie could picture him stomping around his chic, spartan kitchen in Madrid, hunting for something dirty he could attack. " _Me cago en la puta madre_ , this fucking kitchen, it is a shithole--"

"Whips and chains," Stevie said, grinning. Listening to Xabi swear in English was genuinely marvelous. "Half a crust of bread. Clean his kids' playroom with a toothbrush."

"I don't care. It is humiliating and I did it and now I can play the fucking football," Xabi said. There was a little silence and then he exploded, "You know, it's so easy for Mourinho -- he says we were doing too well and it was bad. He says as long as they're talking about you they don't have their minds on the game. You know, _Ooh, Saint Barça, they'd never,_ whatever whatever."

"Yeah, ask Piqué," Stevie agreed.

"Yes. But it's me, _I_ don't have my mind on the game now, I don't like being the villain, and plus I'm the one -- I have to stare at myself shaving my face on the television all the time in the middle of Mad Men, and in the magazines --"

"You did look a bit like a serial killer," Stevie admitted. "Very suave, but you've got to work on your expressions."

There was a pause. "So you pick up a copy?" Xabi said. Sharp little fucker.

"Yeah, mate, of course, it's under my fucking mattress with Gemma Atkinson," Stevie said, cursing his slip-up. "What do you think? Couldn't avoid it, could I? It was all over the internet."

"You sound defensive," Xabi said.

"You sound fucking smug," Stevie retorted.

Xabi sighed. "Did you give Carra all this shit when he did it?"

"Well, he was sneakier," Stevie said. "You were less subtle than Jamie Fuckin Carragher, put that one in your pipe and smoke it."

"I still think it would not have been so bad except for Ramos," Xabi said sullenly. "We all tell him 'Just take your shirt off like always,' but he's trying to grow up I think."

"Poor timing for that," Stevie said.

"I don't like this," Xabi said. He sounded tired now. "I worked hard to be respected, you know? That's all. To be professional. For sure I am not always perfect about that, but --" he laughed, a little ruefully. "Usually when I'm not it's a little more subtle, I guess."

Stevie cleared his throat. He said awkwardly, "Well. It's the job, isn't it? You were doing your job."

"I know. It's only sometimes you pretend your job is something bigger than it is," Xabi said. "And sometimes you can't."

The silence was longer this time. Stevie wondered if Xabi was remembering a warm, surreal night in May: maybe he was remembering the cold of South Africa in August. _Sometimes you don't have to pretend,_ Stevie could have said.

Instead he said, "We've saved the video. Going to set it to music. Benny Hill."

"I hate you," Xabi said, but he sounded a little more cheerful. "Do not ever call me again."

"Fat chance," Stevie said, and hung up.


End file.
